Brave New World

Its amazing what a year can do. A new baby, a new business, a global pandemic, church buildings are closed, racial tensions have come to a boiling point. We got fires, tsnami’s, earthquakes, nucleur explosions and so much more.

I was reminded last night of all my thoughts that have been bubbling up and over and that I had a platform to let them out. I haven’t blogged in probably a year and the reasons vary. But it boils down to this. My inner critic has been so string that instead of tryiong to create something new and put mysef out there, I find it so much easier to bury myself into service of my family.

My season of life is strange and not all of it has to do with Covid. For me, it was the catalyst for so many deeper realizations of thoughts and beliefs. I tend to go inward for a long time until I really think I’ve figured it out( I have waited too long before I act on these realizations and I circle back to inward reflection).My season of life is strange because I am close to 40, I have 4 children, I am entering my 7th year homeschooling, I have identified my enneagram number and have begun self work, and I am entering a new season in my marriage. Whew! Life is strange..

I don’t know that my life looks anything like the life I imagined for myself when I was a little girl, a teenager of even a young adult. If you are anything like me, I went through many years unpacking the dissillusionmnet of the life I live and the life I had intended to create for myself. I have always been justice oriented but in the last 4 years I have been especially tuned into racial injustices against all people of color. I have also been moved to action to fight against human trafficking. But 2020 has proved to be a year where the “fights” I have been fighting have become a communal fight. Many allies and friends have joined me in these fights and my heart has been buoyed that progress is happening and things are changing for the better..

The thing that nags at me is that many of my allies have lied outside of the evangelical Christina community. I have been puzzled and concerned by the loyalty to both a President and an idealogy that circle the wagins and protects the status quo. The status quo that says “police are good, history is not allowed to be challenged and that slavery is just in the past and we don’t have racism nowadays”. Sigh. I have had a lot of patience historically speaking up until this year for the ignorance of my white friends on these issues. It is far too easy to be comfortable and be “busy” with their family and in their circle of friends who look the way they do and think the way they do. If you take a look at my friedns list and the people I hold dear to my heart are varied. My friends list ranges from ultra right wing conservative to marxist and liberal and everything in between. I have friends who see racism under every rock and I also have friends who say “well we had a black president so racism is done”. I have friends who have marched for blac likves matter and friends who have marched for our governor to be recalled. I have friends who believe in all the conspiracy theories and friends who watch the news every night and can’t wait for the government to send more money and give them a vaccine. I stand in between of so many arguments and I listen and watch. And the thing that breaks my heart, the thing I have been praying for an answer to is this: When did we stop listening to each other and how do we begin to unite when we are so divided??

Personally I get tired easily by conversation that go round and round in circles. I grow tired of the name calling. I grow tired of seeing someone act and claim they are superior all the while also seeing the person who is hurting because of their fellow man’s superior stance. We are all one race, the human race and God has created us equal. No man has the right or claim to own or subjugate another human, whether because of skin tone or of age. To me, racism and human trafficking are both the biggest evils our society is facing and neither will be solved by burying our heads in the sand..

How will they be solved? Conversations start among the family first. Discuss what is happening in the news and be ok with not having all the answers. Look internally and honestly reflect if you hvae any hidden biases. Ask yourself, what do I not know? For me this means I turn to books. In the last 3 months I have purchased at least 12 books on various aspects of racial injustice and human trafficking and the role I can play in helping to stop these evils. I go back to the source of all Love. In my faith in God I can examine and hold myself up to light and truth. In my faith in God I can see where I have apathy and allow the Holy Spirit to change my heart. To soften my words and my heart. I am going to get this wrong. We are going to get this wrong. But we can’t progress if we aren’t willing to get a little messy. And we can’t allow the hate to silence us. We can’t allow corrupt power to silence us and keep us from actions. ❤

Belief

I had the strangest feeling
Your world’s not all it seems
So tired of misconceiving
What else this could’ve been

I don’t even know if I believe
I don’t even know if I believe
I don’t even know if I believe
Everything you’re trying to say to me -Mumford and Sons

This song has been rattling around in my head for months now. Tonight I got up to pee and couldn’t fall back asleep, a common occurrence for me since I became pregnant (hurray! But that is for another post.)

Belief is a subject that is very powerful in my life. I have always had very strong beliefs and I am not to proud to admit sometimes I have been so staunch in them I have been willing to put it all on the line for them. One in particular I have changed my position on about 5 years ago and my life has been so very different in the best of ways because of it. It was a set of beliefs that I held so strongly that it almost took my marriage. Once I took a step back and examined why I clung to it so tightly, why I was willing to throw away my covenant with my partner, I was shocked at how thin it was. How little it had to offer me.

A belief is an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists. I believed in an “opportunity”. I was told this “opportunity” would change my health AND provide me with an income that would create many more opportunities for me and change my life. For many years I firmly believed in this statement as true and that it existed. I chased it, I pursued it with fervor and I committed myself to standing by this belief to the point that every day this belief consumed me. I sacrificed so much time, precious time from my daughters, I sacrificed time with my family, birthdays and events I can never get back, and I sacrificed money. At the end of the day, the effort I put into this belief system did not match my return and I started to feel disillusioned. As I wrestled with the choice in front of me, “are you all in? Are you willing to push to get to where you deserve to be and open up the many streams of income that will bring you and your family stability or will you give up on yourself and your potential?” Ugh it makes me sick to think about how close I was to throwing it all away.

I know now it cannot possibly deliver. A belief in a product, in a structure or model that is built on being pushy and crafting and creating an appealing story to get people to buy my product is not sustainable and in my life as well as countless others, extremely destructive. And to make matters worse, I have come to discover that the product itself is not that great. The main ingredient in the main product I no longer have any belief in. I know now that it has negative long term properties, making it by nature very unsustainable. And I was consuming it every day, feeding it to my girls, my spouse, enticing my friends and family to do the same. I heard in meeting after meeting, “if you want better results take more! Why take just 1 when 3 will get you there faster and better!” So dangerous!!!

Their have been a few times in my life where I have walked away from either a situation or a person. In this case, I did both. I walked away from a cultish and dangerous belief system and from my mentor. To this day I still root for her, I hold love in my heart for her but I have no desire to be in her circle again. When we met, she saw in me someone who was incredibly insecure, unsure of myself and she saw that I was someone who, once I believed, I did it wholeheartedly. I was an easy target. She helped me lose weight and start a business, she taught me about “personal development” she helped me be more bold. At the time of our working relationship, I thought we were true friends, I saw her a friend. A role model of a successful business woman, she had the perfect marriage in my mind and I wanted to be just like her. She would give a talk and then look at me and wink and I would think, “She sees me, she’s molding me to be like her and if I stick with this I will be just as successful as she is!”

That’s the danger in buying in to someone else belief. Its based on an opinion of how that person sees you, but its based on what they get when you work. So its not really objective but performance based. And in my case, she made a lot of money off my efforts, even when I was failing in my business and was tapped out, she still made money. In fact she currently is making money based on my connections. People I brought to her and the business. I see her reaching into their lives enticing them to come back and try it with her. She is far more successful at it then I ever was, but they were my friendships, my relationships that I built and she is still milking it for whatever she can.

I can feel the anger bubbling up as I write. And I think I just realized that THAT is the reason why I couldn’t sleep. I found a much better way of doing life. One that holds my beliefs in balance and that sets a good example for my children and anyone who is on the outside looking in. I no longer believe in the product, not even a little, not even with my recent struggle again with my eating. I am not less of a person because I have more fat on my body. I have solid friendship now, a solid marriage. I will NEVER trade these for more money or an “opportunity” again. I BELIEVE that the belief in this product and so many like it is a dangerous one, one that robs you of a full life. I don’t need to look at my friends for the opportunity to make money off them, reading into their words, their pain, their frustration with the thought in my head “oh I have something that could help them, how do I get them to buy what I’m selling” Its so sad to see people always “on”, always “promoting” themselves. I was told “I am the product, so be the best, work on yourself and you’ll make money” um no thanks. I would rather fill my life with belief in my children. I would rather open my mind and time to reading about more than just “personal development” and actually develop and evolve into a person who is loving and sees people from their perspective, not as an opportunity to grow my business.

I am so grateful I took that step back when I was pregnant with my daughter Naomi. What grew inside of me was more than an incredible human being. What grew in me was a TRUE BELIEF that I am beautiful. My body can do marvelous things. My mind is sharp and clear. I spend my days focused on building my family up, I recognize limiting and confining beliefs and immediately reject them. Yes I currently weigh about 40lbs more than what I want too, I sometimes look at those pictures of when I was entrenched in that faulty belief system and think, if only I had that body.. But that happens rarely. Mostly I think, “how sad for you that you think you have so much but really you are very alone” Friendships built on being in business together only last while you are in business together. I was taught in training after training, “we are your family. We love you and accept you and you’ll find that you fit in less and less with your old friends if they are not willing to join you on the road to success”. I heard that over and over. When I would get there on a early Saturday, after kissing my babies goodbye and thanking my husband for the sacrifice both in money and time(did I mention that after a personal audit of the life of my business I found I “invested more than $11,000 and only “profited” $4,000?”) when I would get there I was greeted with smiles and hugs. They were so happy to see me! I thought we were all friends! I thought we were all family. We stayed connected on social media. But once I stopped working the business and taking the products, they dropped like flies. It has only been a very small few that has actually continued the friendship and showed genuine investment in my life.

I’m glad I no longer believe everything they’re trying to say to me…

Judgy McJudgytin’s

Feeling overwhelmed by all that one has to accomplish in a day, every single day, makes me want to throw in the towel. How do Mom’s do it who work a full time job and drop off/pick up their kids at school and get them to soccer/baseball/dance practice and look fabulous while doing it? Emails and Facebook and bloggers and radio and TV and movies all tell me dual message all day long: You are enough, you are not doing enough, here’s how you can do more. Don’t judge other moms, but here’s how you fall short compared to them. Its kind of amazing how I even get out of bed at all. The pressures and obligations on the modern SAHM is like we’ve never had to face before as a society. I am overwhelmed and buried by the sheer volume of things that I worry about. I could not do this life without faith in a higher power. My faith in Jesus reminds me not to worry. But I simply don’t know how to stop. I feel buried by the life I’ve created but the flip side of the coin is I wouldn’t dream of trading it. It has so many rewards and I love being a Mom. I love getting them to where they need to go and releasing them into the world to grow and learn. I love watching them flourish. What I don’t love is how difficult it is to get them up in the morning, or finding their shoes, or yelling at each other, or keeping them focused on finishing their school work.

So how do I model balance for my girls in a world constantly asking me to pile on? And how do I say “no” when everyone else seems to be able to handle it? I can feel the Judgy McJudgytin’s judging me. Some days I measure up, but most days its not even close.

What does the Bible have to say about worry? Or Discipline? Hebrews 12:1 admits the truth: “No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening- it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.”-NLT

In many many ways, Parenting is the greatest learning their is. To be a good parent its not enough to feed, clothe, and protect. We also manage emotions, and teach how to share and be a good friend. We model sacrifice and self-discipline and hopefully exalt them to be the best version of themselves they can be. Parenting IS sacrifice. It IS HARD. It is refining and all-encompassing. I would be a completely different person if I never had children. I am always learning how my reactions affect them and then I cringe when I see them respond to each other in the same way. Ouch! Children are the perfect mirror’s aren’t they? They could be in their room playing and I’ll be listening to their play and I’ll hear a mean or hurtful word. I can see the escalation. And if I’ve been good about modeling how to resolve conflict I can see them resolving it and I’m proud. Unfortunately those times are rare. Its more likely I will hear accusing and blame, followed by tears and shouting. Oh man, it makes my heart hurt. 😦 I judge myself harshly, mentally whipping myself for obviously being a bad example. But is that REALLY fair? I am trying everyday to examine how I speak to them, with them, to others in front of them. I am careful to not criticize another mom in front of them. At some point in childhood we understand enough and can choose our responses to things and I could be the perfect example of love and kindness but ultimately they will behave how they behave. And if I don’t watch it, I can waste my life accepting the judgments both from others and on myself as my identity.

“For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.”-Romans 3:23-4

Life giving news for this Mama’s tired soul. 

• 

I can be free from the shackles of judgments thanks to him whose grace is sufficient for me. ❤

On the road to the road least traveled..

Ahhhh October. The month where I can feel happy that the leaves change colors and fall. The month where I celebrate me and my daughter and my Daddy and my Grandpa. The month where the wind changes and a brisk breeze comes through, causing me to reach for a sweater. This year has looked completely different than I thought it would. I knew, I REALLY knew it would be full of change but I thought the change was predictable. Going to a new campus for classes for the girls, leaving our homeschool co-op, those were things I planned on. Not sure where we belong church-wise, with all the change and transition at church, my husband is no longer playing drums or percussion at our home church. I was serving in the middle school over the summer and then that changed as well. So at the moment we are no longer serving at all in our church. I didn’t expect this change. I thought we would be entering a season of more service. Our AHG chapter closed in May and that meant that we weren’t going to be continuing on this year. And now with school back in session, I have really felt the loss. I miss it, for what it was for my girls and the commitment for me serving all the girls. I really was starting to love them. And I miss them. It reminded me how my heart goes out to the girls who have no self-esteem because they have no one sowing into them telling them how amazing they are. I thought I was supposed to be starting a season of mentoring and that seems to be on hold.

So this year has indeed been a season of change but its not always been what I would choose to change. Their have been some nice developments as a result of the changes. I am understanding what friendships work and don’t work in my life, at least for this season. Someone I was really close with last year has drifted apart and we barely speak. As far as I know nothing happened for this divide, I just found myself being the only one to initiate and nothing was coming from her end. I was really disappointed for months wondering if I did something to offend but about a month ago I heard God say to move on to where I was appreciated. And because of one of the changes was being at a homeschool campus two days a week I found myself in front of a dear friend whose daughters were also in classes. I have loved our time together and getting to know her more I feel blessed. I also have met some other people in this new season that has made me open up more and share a little bit more of who I am. Its not easy for me to trust that I’ll be heard or seen in a positive way. I know I am an oddball and could possibly be considered an acquired taste. But I also know I have a lot to offer in friendship. I am venturing into new lands and trying to stay open to what I see God is putting in front of me and calling me too.

I also had a realization that I was writing my book from a slightly cynical point of view in regards to the roles of women and the push back we are currently seeing from our administration and culture. I know my point of view is unique and my story and the stories I’ve collected from others are needed in a time like now. But what’s not needed is cynicism in how we relate to each other; male and female. So I feel a big rewrite coming on. But I’m not there yet. I can feel, as surely as fall brings pumpkins and hot coffee and cozy sweaters, that another wave of change is coming and this one will be the thing I have been waiting for. The calling, the purpose, the action and direction I am meant to go is just around the corner.

So while a year of change is wrapping up, I feel more optimistic that the next season of change is not going to be my undoing. Because I am now on the road to the road I was meant to be.

One cannot deny who one is meant to be

I stole this quote from a movie, a cartoon really, that I love. Their is something confrontational in a loving and challenging way that this quote says to me. I have been in a 1 step forward, 2 steps back this year in most areas of my life. We make plans, look forward to them and then they are canceled. I am invited, included and then I can’t make it or chicken out due to insecurity. I desire to finish my projects, my book, cleaning, losing weight, but then I sit there spacing out and accomplishing nothing. Why do I live life in spurts? Why do I keep doubting myself and not just go for it? I try to find a reason for why I do this. I assign blame to how I was raised. I constantly saw my Mom squirrel out and start projects and never finish them. She would try a new way to meal prep or shop somewhere new  but eventually she would return to her old habits of not planning, eating simple, bland, fast foods. I assign blame to my generation. I am an “elder millennial”  and left my house at 20 but wasn’t really a full adult till I was 22 and even then I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do for a career. I assign blame to my birth month. “Well Libras are passionate but often indecisive”. And on and on and on. Maybe its that I am just like the Israelite’s and am prone to wander in the desert for years and years…

I think that’s it. I am prone to wander, and daydream, and envy the grass on the other side of the fence. But who was I meant to be? When I was a kid I wanted to be a Lawyer and a Photographer. And then I wanted to be a basketball player and actress. Then it was Interior Designer and Author. And then I was married and having babies. I feel like the pregnancy months of my life dragged on with the waiting of it all. Having 4 miscarriages and 3 beautiful daughters, I have spent the better part of a decade pregnant or having just gave birth. Often I have used that time as self-reflection and going on an inward journey to discover who I want to be and how far along in the process am I. And just when I think I’ve got it, a side business, or time to write, I wander again. I get inward focused and I get lost in the regrets.

In 2 weeks I’ll be 37 and for the first time I feel not ready for the next number. I usually approach my birthdays with hope and optimism. But this last year doesn’t feel like a progression, it feels overall like a setback. I am not lighter, I have not added a vehicle or baby or new home. I did not finish writing my book which depresses the heck out of me and it doesn’t feel like I have much of anything to show for the last year of my life. I’m starting to wonder, am I just too tired for it all? I feel like a balloon with a slow leak. Every once and a while I’ll patch the hole but then another one sprouts and I start to leak again. Slow, sometimes noisily and not blowing in any particular direction.

Theirs a popular book geared towards women who feel tired, beaten down by their lives and I know a lot of women who read it and “loved it”. But its a “pull yourself up by your boot straps” kind of message and frankly that just doesn’t work for me. I have lost the ability to just buck up and show up. Where is the book that says, “Hey you’re tired, take a nap and rest a while.” That’s the kind of book I’ll read right now. I’m so busy busy busy with a long to-do list every single day but all I want to do is sit at Jesus feet and listen to a good story. Can who I was meant to be is a Mary and I am so tired because I have been pretending to be a Martha? Is their a paid profession where I can just rest a while? I think I could be really good at that..

A short story

In going through my boxes of papers. Just thrown together; schoolwork, artwork, notes from my girls, bills, etc.. Then I came across a ripped out notebook paper signed by a former me. My original name. ❤ I reread and a smile spread across my face. I thought I would share it here. Let me know what you think!

A gust of wind by Sarah Medeiros

The moment she stepped into the store, he felt paralyzed. It was like someone had injected him with a powerful drug that dulled the sense and slowed down time and space.

She was a stranger and he could tell by her clothes and sunglassess and the way she carried herself he knew she wouldn’t be staying long.

He hadn’t realized he was walking up to her until she turned and smiled at him. It was a million dollar smile if he had ever seen. She had a breathtaking smile and he just stood there soaking in her beauty and tried to etch this angel into his brain that had stepped into his life.

” I love you, will you marry me?” It took a moment to register that he had asked her that question. As he was about to apologize for his abrupt crass behavior, she answered him, “sure you look cute enough stranger, but why don’t we wait until you graduate from high school first?” Kissed him on the nose and with a gust of wind disappeared out the door.

The End

What Break?

So I sat down to write in June about all my expectations, hopes, and good intentions for the summer. I never got the post published. It was a day when I only had a few free hours to my myself(most days I get just few minutes!) and as could be expected I was pulled away by my Motherly duties before I could finish getting all my thoughts down.  The summer has been a whirlwind, of my own making.  The girls have been in Dance camps and Science camps and we have been swimming and to the beach, parks, libraries and the drive in. It has been so busy that I can’t help but feel, what break? 

When you are a Mom of multiples, it can be difficult to find any time for yourself. And if you homeschool, their really isn’t a break, like ever. Its either schooling, or grading, or going through the previous year and reviewing what curriculum worked, what didn’t, papers to be thrown away, a year to reflect on. Summer is not a break for me but it has been full of wonderful experiences for my girls and that makes it all worth it.

One thing I have been thinking about in addition to putting the 2017/2018 school year behind me has been a reflection on where I am in my life. In just a couple months I’ll have another birthday and so many things in my life are the same as they were this time last year. I still am not at my ideal body weight, I don’t have a second vehicle or a business of my own that is thriving and running like clock work, my hair is a bit thinner, and my alcohol consumption is pretty much the same.. What is better you might ask? I do know more who I am. I feel comfortable in my skin, albeit its more skin than I would like. 😉 I have really made the effort in investing in my girls more so this year than ever before. If you look at your family as your greatest accomplishment then it becomes worthwhile to put all your energy into. I absolutely love being a Mom, even with all the exhaustion, frustration and  exhaustion (oh did I say that twice? Well it cannot be emphasized enough..) I see the progress made in each of them and my oldest has made incredible strides this summer in pushing through when things were tough or tiring. Sometimes I look in her eyes and I see myself, or rather the better version of myself at her age.

By the time I was 10 I had already gone through my parents divorce, which left my Mom and I penniless and homeless on the other side of the states. By the age of 10 my Mom had remarried, after a series of relationships. By the age of 10 I had been molested by a trusted grownup in my parents circle. By the age of 10 I had the chicken pox, 3 cases of lice, and the shingles! I was a scared, fearful, sensitive little girls who never had more than 2 good friends at a time and I was always getting in trouble at school for talking. Thankfully MY 10 yr old has had a stable home, with parents who love each other through the thick and thin. She has 2 sisters who adore her and in whose eyes she can do no wrong. She has a large group of friends and can make a friend anywhere she goes. She is smart, wickedly smart, and has a ridiculous sense of humor. I am proud to be her mom and proud of the fruit of our efforts.

This summer I really have gone out of my way to show her my love. I joined the middle school group at church with her and have gone to the pool parties with her, giving us lots of time to talk un-interrupted on the ride there and back. I encouraged her and signed her up for dance camps giving her the opportunity to grow in a new way. I signed her up for a STEM Avionics class. She was a bit skeptical before she went, but I knew she would enjoy it. She did. So much.

I know I always knew this fact but it was never put so succinctly or cut me to the quick the way a friend recently said, “you only have 18 summers with your kids”. Only 18… Well I have had 10 so far with my girl, and looking back I do feel like I wasted some. Which is why this summer, I have given my all to them. All the fun and the slow times, the popcorn and movies in the middle of the day. I hope when they are changing the world and living on the other side of the country that they remember this summer the way I will. With a Mom who gave all she had, building memories and creating a summer full of joy and experiences..

❤

Cheers and Happy reading.

Pick Pick Pick,

I am unsure to the when it started or the why, But I was an OCD little girl. If I had somewhere to go I would brush my hair an even number of times on each side. I would brush my teeth for exactly 1 minute on the top and 1 minute on the bottom. I always choose the 7th paper handout in school and would sharpen my pencils for 7 seconds. And when I had a scab on my legs I would pick and pick and pick until it was bleeding. These behaviors have stopped, thankfully, but I still find myself obsessive in a way that feels out of my control.

I pick on my children, on my husband, on my cats, I obsess over how and when to make my coffee and if I perform the task wrong I will think about it all day. Some people will tell me, well that’s just seeking perfection and their is nothing wrong with that. I think we as humans often justify picadillos in the other because we are afraid if our own came out it would be so much weirder. I know I am not the only Woman who will highlight my positives and downplay, hide, bury, or self-deprecate my flaws.

Flaws. Isn’t that a beautiful word? We all have them, and yet it seems to surprise us when we see the flaw in someone else. I have a friend. I think she is beautiful and for a while I thought she was both physically perfect and perfect in terms of heart and being a friend. I thought we were equals and we could talk deeply about spiritual matters, we could share honestly about our sex life in our marriages and encourage each other with the hard parts of parenting. I didn’t notice any flaws for a while. I was just so happy to have a friend I could laugh with, go to the beach with, go for coffee or a drink, we seemed to match up in every way. It had been so long since I had a friend that clicked with so easily. Then the holidays came. I don’t know exactly what happened first. But I started to notice little things here and there that were causing me to frown internally. My OCD was kicking in, I thought whatever was wrong if I picked at the scab long enough I could uncover what needed to be and then we could heal. For the record, picking at a scab doesn’t really work, it actually slows the healing process. And, it turns out, that humans don’t enjoy being picked at and it breaks down the foundation of the relationship if you keep it up long enough. But I didn’t know all this when I was picking at our friendship. I called, I texted, when I would see her in person I would give her a hard time about not calling me back or canceling. Pick pick pick. Life changes pulled us away further as I was busy raising my family, she was busy doing the same. I got the hint and stopped making the efforts. I heard a few weeks ago from a mutual friend that she is doing well. I won’t home and cried. I laid in bed awake all night rolling around my actions and analyzing every interaction, no matter how small. We still have not resolved whatever it is between us. I hope that we can find Harmony again.

The problem with OCD is even if you can properly identify what you are doing wrong, you are unable to change it in the moment.

For all of my flaws, I have some pretty great attributes. If I pursue a friendship its usually because I see someone as they are and love and accept them. I will root for, champion and lift up that person through the hard times. I long for internal peace and I of recent, have been drawn to those I see that have found it. Whether I am perfect in being a friend or not is not really the point. I fail all the time, tripping over my flaws, stumbling over my imperfections and running from my ugly side. But that doesn’t make me unique. I admire the women who can put their flaws out there for the world to see and accept themselves as a whole person.  Tina Fey is one of those women. When I see her, I see her flaws but to me they make her perfect.

What do you pick at? What do you try to run from as a woman? Have you made peace within yourself recently or are you beginning the process? I want to hear from you!

Ps, I am a affiliate with WishGarden I love all their herbal remedies for anxiety, mood disorders, digestive issues, immune system and PMS/Menopause. By clicking on the banner and making a purchase I receive a small commission. I thank you. ❤

 

Cheers and Happy Reading!

Loaded Holidays

My favorite holiday when I was a little kid was Christmas Eve. We went to my Grandma’s house, My Step-Dad’s parents. I got to eat whatever I wanted which was usually Dr.Pepper, pickles, potato chips and onion dip, gobs and gobs of garlic bread and the world’s best spaghetti and meatballs. The T.V. was always on and it was a cycle of “Life of Brian”, “Blazing Saddles” or “The Holy Grail” . Me and my cousins would bug Grandma when it was time for presents, the men would be sitting on the couch quoting the lines, all the lines, and drinking Pepsi or Beer, and my Mom and my Aunt’s would be huddled near the kitchen shaking their heads in disapproval. I loved it. It was comforting, this ritual. I have so many good memories as a kid surrounding the various holidays. My Mom always made a big deal about my birthday, Easter was extravagant and I counted down the days till Thanksgiving.

I enjoyed giving my Mom gifts as a little girl for Mother’s day. For me and my family, it was a day where we served her. She got to choose what she wanted to eat, what I wore to church, what we did for the afternoon, all of it. It was her one day of the whole year and I always tried to get her something amazing or make something special.

Father’s day was never easy for me, coming from a broken home, I was longing to be connected to my biological father and at the same I was conflicted about how I felt about my Step Dad. I can delve more into this in a later post..

What sparked this feeling that holidays can be loaded, not so cut and dry is the one we collectively celebrated yesterday. MOTHER’S DAY.

I have come at this holiday from so many angles since my 20’s and I still don’t have it figured out. I was silent most of the day on social media. I didn’t send wishes to friends even though I was happy to receive some. I didn’t write a long thing to my Mom, I still owe her a card.. I didn’t publicly express most of my emotions. It is overwhelming for me to properly articulate it all here not to mention I could write a whole book just on this very subject. I find it annoying the people who flaunt all their amazing gifts from their kids and husbands, Jewelry, spa time, massages, a new coach purse. It just bugs me. I know it probably sounds terrible to say that but I just tune out when I read that on my news feed. I also clam up and don’t know what to say when a Beautiful friend shares how painful it is because she has no children for whatever reason. And it ranges. They are single, they are married and their spouse doesn’t want children, they are trying and can’t have babies, they have given up trying. Its the whole spectrum. I grieve with them, silently sometimes. I seem to not fit into any one category. And so I am left with all these conflicting feelings.

Yes I have children. I am blessed to have three girls. But I have been pregnant more times than that.. When I was 18 I was in a abusive relationship with a older man. I was unprepared for pregnancy and I found myself pregnant from being raped by this man. I was only 6 weeks and I was terrified that my life was over. I considered getting an abortion but quickly dismissed it because I knew the trauma of that would be worse and unfair to the unborn child inside of me. I found myself wishing away, hoping and praying that God would take it away. I had never even heard of a miscarriage, but that is what I had. It was a secret I carried with me for a decade.

I married a wonderful man, my best friend when I was 22. Our plan was to wait 7 years before we started having babies. After less than 2 years I found myself pregnant. We announced to our family at brunch on Mother’s day. Three weeks after we told everyone I miscarried. This time it threw me. It happened in a season I call “our trifecta of loss”. My husband lost his job, his only living Grandparent, his Grandma who he was close with was dying in EL Salvador, and then losing our baby. We were house sitting for a friend and I remember laying in bed and I called for my husband. When he came in the room, all I could say was, “I’m losing her, she’s leaving me.” I could feel a part of my soul shriveling up and dying. As for my husband, he was there, physically present, but I felt painfully alone. It felt like I was inadequate. I was a failure. My body was not able to hold onto a baby. And in the back of my mind the thought crept in “this is all your fault for letting yourself be raped and abused and wanting your child to die”.  I changed. I became cynical, detached. I couldn’t hear anyone, the world was muted. I retreated into myself and ran from God. He was clearly absent in my pain and was punishing me. It was a crushing feeling and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies. I slowly dug my way through the hollow and found myself pregnant again. Only to have another miscarriage. This time my husband was at work but he called my friend and she came right over. She took me to the hospital and he met us there. I was examined, told yes I was losing the pregnancy but their was nothing they could do. So I was left alone in a room. To bleed out. I hated my body, I hated the world. I was told by family that it was common, that it was because I was overweight, that it just wasn’t God’s timing.

About 6 months later I suspected I was pregnant again. I told no one at first. A week went by and I told my Husband. I called my DR and we scheduled a internal ultrasound to check if their was a heartbeat. Normally the earliest they do these is 10 weeks or 12. But the day that changed my life, again, I was 8 weeks. My Mom went with me as my husband couldn’t get the time off. I was so nervous inside but outside I was stone cold. I had to protect my heart. I felt too fragile to share my thoughts with anyone. Then the technician turned the screen to me and pointed to a tiny black dot on the monitor.

 

You shout it out
But I can’t hear a word you say
I’m talking loud not saying much
I’m criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

I’m bulletproof nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall, I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium, I am titanium, I am titanium, I am titanium

Cut me down
But it’s you who has further to fall
Ghost town, haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I’m talking loud not saying much

It was my baby. And she was alive. She was strong. I didn’t know it was a she at the time but I could see the heart pumping. I still didn’t believe it would last. Every week that passed I counted it a victory. 12 weeks, still pregnant! 14 weeks, still pregnant! Wow, I’m having a girl! A baby shower for my little girl! I was working at Starbucks at the time and I was exhausted all the time. My body hurt and every little pain or spasm freaked me out.

When I was 22 weeks I had Jury duty and that night after they let me out I went to the store on my way home. Except I stood up to get out of the car and felt the worst pain yet in my life. I called my Husband and said “I’m dying, I’m dying, the baby is dying”. It turned out to be Braxton Hicks, not usually that painful or so I was told. For me I think the pain was worse because I carried the fear and despair from all of my previous experiences. When I was at the end of my 36th week I went in to see my DR right after a 8 hour shift. They told me I had Toxemia and I needed to go across the street to be admitted. I will share my birth story another time, maybe another place. I had my Isabelle at 37 weeks, c-section. I will say that the actual birth experience felt very lonely as well. Nobody with me when I got the epidural. I had to get hooked up to breathing, the big white cloth separating me from seeing what was happening, all the people talking to each other except for me. But when she came out, my husband said she’s perfect! 10 fingers, 10 toes, full head of hair. I was a Mom. It was declared by other people so now it was true. Those other experiences, those didn’t count. I had a living child to prove that I was now in another category. I was in love with this little person and I was so grateful I could hold the one I loved. I had loved before but my arms were empty. The heart can mend through the process of having a baby, you have something tangibly to love. The days and nights are filled with feeding and caring for this little one. I would be up in the night, rocking and nursing my daughter and staring in disbelief. I was a Mother. My body was a little bit healed but still a little bit broken. My heart was full, but still had hollowed out pockets with no promises of ever being filled.

I have gone on to have 2 more miscarriages and 2 more girls. If you meet me in church or in the store and I am with my girls, you might think that’s all that their is. And that’s ok. I am so good with not telling people about the messy parts, the lonely parts. But I DO know what its like to have empty hands and an empty heart when Mother’s day comes around. I do get how hard this holiday is. I have walked with my Mom through the losing of her Mom and Mother-in-law. Its weird to not buy cards for my Grandma’s or call them or see them when the holiday comes around. I get how hard it is for friends who have none, to see my children. I understand the jealousy, the hurt, the dark nights of the soul. My last miscarriage is probably the hardest one for me. I know I was having a girl, I had a dream about her. She was so sweet and delightful, and she loved me so very much. I was the same amount pregnant as a friend of mine. I lost my baby, she now has a 2 year old son. Every time I see him either in person or on FB, my heart squeezes and I want to run away. He is so beautiful and full of life. The one and only time I helped my dear baby was after I passed her. She was tiny, only 12 weeks, but she was perfectly formed. Her fingers were beautiful. I got to say goodbye to my baby and I am grateful that this time I was surrounded by family and community. She is buried in my Mother-in-laws garden. Every spring I think of her and how much she would love her Beya’s flowers.

Yesterday was a mixed bag yet again for me. I wanted to spend time with my girls and feel the love but I also wanted to spend time with my Mom and sister. I got a little bit of both, I guess the only that was missing was the feeling of Honor from my family.

Being a woman is hard these days, being a Mom is crazy hard. Being a Mom that is also grieving is seriously hard. Its a mixed bag for sure, and not one that is easy to understand. I was truly grateful for my church and how they handled Mother’s day. It was honoring of every woman,  in whatever stage they are in. And it feels good to be living through this transition(obviously my feelings have progressed on this subject since I first posted about my church 3 months ago!) Our Co-Senior Pastor’s model serving together really well. They lift each other up and highlight the other’s strengths. Its so genuine and I love it. I am excited about what’s to come. I can feel as the conversations are started, we as women are entering in to a real and vulnerable place where we have safety with each other and in general to talk about how we feel about Motherhood, how we feel about our losses, how we feel about our bodies, our roles we play, all of it. Its so messy isn’t it? But its so good to be authentic. To cry over a cup of coffee with a friend. Someone who listens, someone who wants to understand. Someone who doesn’t discount your experiences.

I hope that I can be one of those places for you. Here are some helpful resources, or at least things that helped me..

Cheers and happy reading.

Love,

Sarah

resolve.org

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

Silent Sorority: A Barren Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

 

http://www.wishgardenherbs.com/

What Kind of Person are you?

Some deep thoughts floating around my head this week. Pull up a chair and have your self a cup of cold brew and muse with me will you? A few years back my husband and I were having a argument. He was bringing something up that bothered him about how I handled the situation at hand. He was getting increasingly frustrated with me that I didn’t seem to hear what he was saying but rather I was making assumptions and then responding. It took quite a while for me to understand that while I thought we were arguing about the issue, he was more upset that he wasn’t being heard. At one point he said, “Why don’t you ask me any questions? If you just asked me, you would know why I am so mad.” It was kind of a shock to me that it was that simple. It was also shocking that he saw me as a person who didn’t ask questions. I believe in this world their are two kinds of people. People who ask questions and people who offer opinions.

I have always been someone who notices the world around me. I pay attention to body language in a crowd of people, to raised voices and raised eyebrows, to the wild hand gestures and the hands shoved in the pockets. I find watching people talk much more interesting than talking myself. I want to take in all the information and wait till I form an opinion before I speak my own. I ask a LOT of questions, but I didn’t realize till my husband pointed it out; it was all in my head. I make a million little assessments, internalize it and then spit out my opinion. And sometimes I’m right, but when it comes to my family, I am too often wrong. I do think its possible to change, from one group to the other, but it is usually an event that does the changing.

For me, that event was the realization that my words, my assumptions, had hurt the one I love the most. How does one even go about changing? I am introverted by nature and internal analysis is par for the course. Its how I have always lived life. Being a homeschool parent it feels like I have to have the answers already when my girls ask me. And I usually do. I have noticed that when I appear to not know the answer, I lose credibility in their eyes. I don’t like feeling or appearing to not be competent. I think its a mind shift though. Some of the best minds are the ones who ask the most questions. “Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.”-Voltaire

I thought it was enough to read books or articles or study a person and let the questions be solely an internal process. But when you are in relationship with someone, you show you value them by asking (out loud) about what they think, what they feel, what makes them happy or sad or frustrated. So I am in the process of changing from one type of person to the other. I know I need a lot of Grace in this area. I would rather go through the checklist and honestly, assumptions, in my mind then to verbally ask the questions. Sometimes that takes time. To sit with the person and ask the question, and wait for the answers.

It’s a more authentic answer when you get it straight from the other person. I find it hard to carve time out and do this with my husband, I know I fall short. But I also know that when I  move from opinion land to question-land, I open the door for meaningful connections that go deep and make us stronger. ❤