I had the strangest feeling
Your world’s not all it seems
So tired of misconceiving
What else this could’ve been
I don’t even know if I believe
I don’t even know if I believe
I don’t even know if I believe
Everything you’re trying to say to me -Mumford and Sons
This song has been rattling around in my head for months now. Tonight I got up to pee and couldn’t fall back asleep, a common occurrence for me since I became pregnant (hurray! But that is for another post.)
Belief is a subject that is very powerful in my life. I have always had very strong beliefs and I am not to proud to admit sometimes I have been so staunch in them I have been willing to put it all on the line for them. One in particular I have changed my position on about 5 years ago and my life has been so very different in the best of ways because of it. It was a set of beliefs that I held so strongly that it almost took my marriage. Once I took a step back and examined why I clung to it so tightly, why I was willing to throw away my covenant with my partner, I was shocked at how thin it was. How little it had to offer me.
A belief is an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists. I believed in an “opportunity”. I was told this “opportunity” would change my health AND provide me with an income that would create many more opportunities for me and change my life. For many years I firmly believed in this statement as true and that it existed. I chased it, I pursued it with fervor and I committed myself to standing by this belief to the point that every day this belief consumed me. I sacrificed so much time, precious time from my daughters, I sacrificed time with my family, birthdays and events I can never get back, and I sacrificed money. At the end of the day, the effort I put into this belief system did not match my return and I started to feel disillusioned. As I wrestled with the choice in front of me, “are you all in? Are you willing to push to get to where you deserve to be and open up the many streams of income that will bring you and your family stability or will you give up on yourself and your potential?” Ugh it makes me sick to think about how close I was to throwing it all away.
I know now it cannot possibly deliver. A belief in a product, in a structure or model that is built on being pushy and crafting and creating an appealing story to get people to buy my product is not sustainable and in my life as well as countless others, extremely destructive. And to make matters worse, I have come to discover that the product itself is not that great. The main ingredient in the main product I no longer have any belief in. I know now that it has negative long term properties, making it by nature very unsustainable. And I was consuming it every day, feeding it to my girls, my spouse, enticing my friends and family to do the same. I heard in meeting after meeting, “if you want better results take more! Why take just 1 when 3 will get you there faster and better!” So dangerous!!!
Their have been a few times in my life where I have walked away from either a situation or a person. In this case, I did both. I walked away from a cultish and dangerous belief system and from my mentor. To this day I still root for her, I hold love in my heart for her but I have no desire to be in her circle again. When we met, she saw in me someone who was incredibly insecure, unsure of myself and she saw that I was someone who, once I believed, I did it wholeheartedly. I was an easy target. She helped me lose weight and start a business, she taught me about “personal development” she helped me be more bold. At the time of our working relationship, I thought we were true friends, I saw her a friend. A role model of a successful business woman, she had the perfect marriage in my mind and I wanted to be just like her. She would give a talk and then look at me and wink and I would think, “She sees me, she’s molding me to be like her and if I stick with this I will be just as successful as she is!”
That’s the danger in buying in to someone else belief. Its based on an opinion of how that person sees you, but its based on what they get when you work. So its not really objective but performance based. And in my case, she made a lot of money off my efforts, even when I was failing in my business and was tapped out, she still made money. In fact she currently is making money based on my connections. People I brought to her and the business. I see her reaching into their lives enticing them to come back and try it with her. She is far more successful at it then I ever was, but they were my friendships, my relationships that I built and she is still milking it for whatever she can.
I can feel the anger bubbling up as I write. And I think I just realized that THAT is the reason why I couldn’t sleep. I found a much better way of doing life. One that holds my beliefs in balance and that sets a good example for my children and anyone who is on the outside looking in. I no longer believe in the product, not even a little, not even with my recent struggle again with my eating. I am not less of a person because I have more fat on my body. I have solid friendship now, a solid marriage. I will NEVER trade these for more money or an “opportunity” again. I BELIEVE that the belief in this product and so many like it is a dangerous one, one that robs you of a full life. I don’t need to look at my friends for the opportunity to make money off them, reading into their words, their pain, their frustration with the thought in my head “oh I have something that could help them, how do I get them to buy what I’m selling” Its so sad to see people always “on”, always “promoting” themselves. I was told “I am the product, so be the best, work on yourself and you’ll make money” um no thanks. I would rather fill my life with belief in my children. I would rather open my mind and time to reading about more than just “personal development” and actually develop and evolve into a person who is loving and sees people from their perspective, not as an opportunity to grow my business.
I am so grateful I took that step back when I was pregnant with my daughter Naomi. What grew inside of me was more than an incredible human being. What grew in me was a TRUE BELIEF that I am beautiful. My body can do marvelous things. My mind is sharp and clear. I spend my days focused on building my family up, I recognize limiting and confining beliefs and immediately reject them. Yes I currently weigh about 40lbs more than what I want too, I sometimes look at those pictures of when I was entrenched in that faulty belief system and think, if only I had that body.. But that happens rarely. Mostly I think, “how sad for you that you think you have so much but really you are very alone” Friendships built on being in business together only last while you are in business together. I was taught in training after training, “we are your family. We love you and accept you and you’ll find that you fit in less and less with your old friends if they are not willing to join you on the road to success”. I heard that over and over. When I would get there on a early Saturday, after kissing my babies goodbye and thanking my husband for the sacrifice both in money and time(did I mention that after a personal audit of the life of my business I found I “invested more than $11,000 and only “profited” $4,000?”) when I would get there I was greeted with smiles and hugs. They were so happy to see me! I thought we were all friends! I thought we were all family. We stayed connected on social media. But once I stopped working the business and taking the products, they dropped like flies. It has only been a very small few that has actually continued the friendship and showed genuine investment in my life.
I’m glad I no longer believe everything they’re trying to say to me…